The Fog

"You are in the fog and it is just starting to clear...In the fog, you think you know where you're going because you haven't fallen yet. But, you do not. You can barely see the ten feet in front of your face. You're alone in the fog, and cannot possibly know where you are yet...

...Ten years from now, you'll be surprised where life takes you. I know I was. Everyone I know was. The fog is part of life. If I could go back in time with the mind I have know, knowing what I now know, but had the physical capabilities and body I had then, I would be a god. When I was 22, I was a beast. I could have flown if I wanted to. But, I didn't figure life out until I went through most of it. This is life."

One year before realizing that the residents of the 4005 version of my world and I would be total strangers, Dr. Xavier had given me his first speech on life. "You're in your early twenties. You are in 'the fog' and it is just starting to clear. You think you know what you're doing, but you do not. This is not a crime, it is just the way things are. One day you will look back and realize how much of a fog you were in, and how much clearer the world is now."

And the fog is indeed where I find myself. Arms waving in front of me blindly, seeking a path that my eyes, blinking much too quickly, cannot find. I've done this for quite some time, as soon as I felt the urge to find my way through the fog, instead of sitting on the ground and playing with a toy, pissing in my diaper, hearing the babble of my parents that I did not yet realize I could understand if I listened to it for long enough. On my way through the fog, I've found mostly bad things which I picked off the ground: cigarettes, bad boyfriends, clothes that didn't fit, anxiety. I've found great things, too: the golden threads which hold my family together, love, pets, good books, bad books, college, and fire. Of the things I've plucked from the pavement and stuck in my pocket, I find (as most humans do) that my favorites are books, pets, and love.

Books have given me rest throughout my travels in the the fog, a fortress against the cold, a friend on long plane rides to see how the fog has descended upon other countries, among other things.

Pets have been my greatest allies through the fog, walking with me as it slowly clears, giving me companionship and ultimate trust. Pets are the hardest to lose, as they are not simply lost or loaned away like books so often are. They either walk with you until they take their final step and drop into the dust or you make the decision to end their journeys a little early, to save them the pain of suffering with you in their old age. These graves are some of the most painful to look upon.

Love has shown me the golden threats which weave my family together - a stitch I did not see for so long. It has given me the friends I depend upon in my foggy stumble, and lovers to engage in battle or merely dance with.